spaced_in

I consider myself a fairly sensitive individual, however, the truly insensitive nature of my existence is revealed by how mere appearances form much of my reality! Behind American Beauty, white picket fences, there is unseen disguised turmoil in most people secretly breathing.  Every now and then we are reminded of this when a window of vulnerability, a moment into the truly REAL nature of those closest to you opens up. The happiest of people can in fact be revealed as the most troubled – the saddest.

Is the world really such a lonely place that close friends and family can’t speak out about how they truly feel to those closest to them? That it takes a rare combination of random chances and happenings to create a place in space and time where everything can be laid out on the table for honest appraisal? Not too long ago I found a tear in my eye for the first time in a long time when I was confronted with someone close to me and their most private reconciliation of pain – disguised on a day to day basis by smiles and routine.

I honestly did not know how to approach this confronting truth that I thought had no place in the person I know and love. I continued disguising the truth by not confronting the individual concerned personally. Others around me did so to my relief but I just didn’t know how to go from a “so how’s things?” to “So how’s things REALLY?” I love them dearly, however, on a personal level we will probably go back to playing picket fences. The unmentionable things that fill the air with dissipate with an adequate dose of denial.

The supreme moments of vulnerability and closeness required to clear the air, clean out the cupboard and share how we truly feel are pearls in a world where we are too busy playing with IPODS, making deals, meeting deadlines & making money. These moments are snuffed out by the constant noise! We barely have enough time to listen and understand our own thoughts to even consider sharing them with someone else. The rarest of rare events, like planets aligning, are finding quiet moments where your mind is clear to communicate your truth and someone else is in synch to receive this and truly understand it. We understand the improbability of such an event and relegate most of our shared experiences with other people to the facile, cheap and mediocre world of appearances in which we are so consumed.

I thing you can multiply this state of affairs many times over for gay men who cover up a meaningful existence with toy dogs, fashion and gym routines. On average I’m sure their baggage piles up more than most people as their moments of truly honest reckoning with another human being are even more limited.

I’m not unhappy.  I’m just reflecting on the nature of the world in which I live.

Climate Change; It's real. It’s man made.

It annoys me when people pull out historical data demonstrating ancient climate shifts and use these as evidence to purport that climate change isn't due to human activity. Indeed all previous changes in the climate have occurred due to geological events, massive volcanic eruptions and meteorite impacts but the current bout of climate change is fundamentally yoked to the industrial revolution and the massive effects of clear felling and burning forests, farming billions of animals for their meat and most importantly burning through all the sequestered carbon reserves that are stored in the form of coal and oil.

There are numerous events prior to the birth of modern civilisation and the agrarian revolution on a truly massive scale that did change the climate. One of these events was the explosion of Lake Toba, in Indonesia. It is now only a lake, and one of the deepest in the world, because it was blown to pieces. This single event, 70,000 years ago lead to an ice age. The average temperature dropped 3 - 5c and Geneticists believe that this climatic shift caused a bottle neck in the human genome. It is believed that only 5,000 - 10,000 breeding pairs survived the event. This same genetic bottle neck exists in the African Cheetah today from a much more recent and unrelated event. This science is well documented. The Volcanic index of explosions is exponential and Toba factored at 8, by comparison this is enormous when compared with the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa that had an idex of 6. Even still Krakatoa caused tidal waves 40m high, killed 36,000 people and caused minor climate change of 1.2 c that lasted for approximately 8 years. The explosion was heard 3000 kilometres away in Perth and air waves as a result of the explosion circled the world 7 times. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_volcanoIt is imperative for Australia to take a lead on this issue. We have one of the most vibrant, well educated democracies on the planet with enviable living standards and natural resources of sun, wind and water to turn into power! We have the ideas, we have the dollars, and all we need is the will!

Hence there is no question that natural phenomena can effect the climate. This is a fact. It is seen in ice cores, sediment and ash deposits across the globe. This however is complete unrelated to current climate change. Volcanic activity coinciding with the Industrialised age only accounts for between 1-2% of emissions as a result of human activities! This is fact. 

It is also a fact that the current level of warming, although minor in the grand scale of warmings, is the most that humans have experienced since the agricultural revolution. It was the pleasant climate that made this revolution a reality. It is this climate that allowed our cities and populations to grow. It is this climate we depend on for the survival of civilisation as we know it. Hence, natural or human made, past climate impacts cannot be compared to present day climate impacts. The effect of even a small change on our agricultural sector is enormous. 

Despite this some scientists and politicians would have you believe that we are all being "had". They would have that 7 billion people, consuming and polluting is not having any effect on the climate whatsoever. Lets take a look at a local politician in Australia who believes that Climate change is a fairy tale, told by tree huggers, who would rather this fablethan sending their children to evangelical schools to be beaten over the head by the myth of the rapture; Steven Fielding is The Australian Senator  for Family First. Family First is a conservative party largely made up of Evangelical Movements, like Hill Song, protecting "Family values". Unfortunately God has decided that he wanted to give this lunatic an important, balance of power, seat in the Australian Senate. I have spoken to God about this! The Senate reviews all Legislation passed by the House of Representatives. Steven Fielding is until now has been unsure as to the veracity of climate change as;a) a phenomenon and b) something caused by human beings.

In order to get more information before Steven Fielding made up his mind on Climate Change and the proposed Emissions Trading Scheme, currently in the Senate awaiting review, he thought he would take a trip to America and attend "The Third International Conference on Climet Change, 2009." This sounds like a promising place to learn about climate change doesn't it. Unfortunately, like many such conferences, it was a wolf in sheeps clothing!

The event was organised by an American NGO called The Heartland Institute http://www.heartland.org/. This foundation is openly conservative (which I have no problem with) and espouses the virtues of the Free Market and identifies Milton Freedman as their thinker of choice. What I do mind is that "Heartland does not accept government funds and does not conduct "contract" research for special-interest groups" yet they on an unaffiliated website it is suggested ExxonMobil donated $500,000 to the think tank! Since the total spend for the previous financial year for the organisation was 5.2 million dollars $500,000 represents a good 10% of their revenues. Exxon Mobil a benefactor to an organisation holding an event sekeptical about climate change! Lol. As a benefactor it does not take much lateral thought to determine what outcomes a petroleum company would expect for their $500,000  http://www.buffalobeast.com/81/wind.htm

Further, it seems that unlike ExxonMobil the Heartland Institute is happy to claim that 500 prominent scientists believe Climate Change without either paying them or it seems getting their permission at all to the point that some scientists approached the organisation about being misrepresented! I quote "In April 2008, environmental journalist Richard Littlemore wrote that a bibliography written by Dennis Avery and posted on Heartland’s Web site, titled "500 Scientists with Documented Doubts of Man-Made Global Warming Scares,” included at least 45 scientists who neither knew of their inclusion as "co-authors" of the article, nor agreed with its claims regarding global warming. Dozens of the scientists asked the Heartland Institute to remove their names from the list; for instance, Gregory Cutter of Old Dominion University wrote, "I have NO doubts... the recent changes in global climate ARE man-induced. I insist that you immediately remove my name from this list since I did not give you permission to put it there." Dr. Robert Whittaker, Professor of Biogeography, University of Oxford wrote "Please remove my name. What you have done is totally unethical!"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Heartland_Institute

I took a look at the speaking list at this sham of an event and randomly selected an individual to do further checks on. "CRAIG D. IDSO, PH.D. Chairman, Centre for the Study of Carbon Dioxide and Global Change", http://www.heartland.org/events/WashingtonDC09/speakers.html has so many letters after his name you would think he was an alphabet! Yet a closer look at his organisation indicates that he to, through his organisation, has received $90,000 from Exxon Mobil. It really begs the question, is his opinion a result of his experience and education or has it been bought with oil money?

Regardless, our Senator, Steven Fielding has returned from this event with his Evangelical eyes open to the light! He is convinced now there is no climate change! I assume this is what he wanted to hear since climate change implies change. One thing about conservantives; They will not tolerate change, even if it is inevitable. I will not further my character assassination here except to point out that as either as a result of this conference, or by appealing to the authority of this conference, Senator Fielding, holding an important seat in the Senate will not support the current ETS legislation or any legislation relating to climate change since he feels it doesn't exist.

If you find this ridiculous as I do please do the following:

1. Join http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=93215393217 on Facebook; Here we aim to determine the empirical and observational evidence as to whether Australian Senator Steve Fielding is real. Join the group " Steve Fielding does not exist” and discover the truth. Along the way we get to uncover the delights of right wing think tanks and oil money. It is so much fun!

2. Write a letter to the other very important Australian Senator on this issue, Nick Xenophon. I have set up a group with all his direct contact details at http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=93285989737&ref=mf Nick is still undecided about an ETS and is having Frontier Economics do some research on the effects of any proposed ETS. Accordingly the Legislation has been postponed until August 11 when the Senate next sits.

3. Spread the word

I have tried making the group fun. Essentially the concept was grafted from a comment made on a news.com website regarding Steven Fielding's revelation regarding climate change. One commenter wrote: "Well I don't believe that Steve Fielding exists!", this really captures the irrational essence of a man set to on a path to environmental Armageddon.

For this reason I named the group "Steven Fielding does not exist!" and opened the group with the following description:

"Scientists (funded by friends and followers) have come to the conclusion after thorough investigation that Steve Fielding of Family First does not exist! It has been a hoax all along! We also have managed to conclude that the Hill Song movement is merely a mirage caused by an abundance hot air rising off the asphalt in Castle Hill...

We can now postpone our sanity trading scheme, originally drafted to combat a seemingly undeniable rise in the amount of narrow minded suburban morons and religious zealots. A majority felt this may have been a direct consequence of children watching too many mind numbing cartoons creating a pattern of behaviour leading to the hell of midday television and ab blasters!

It seems these affects were merely overstated by the majority of considered and educated authorities on the subject and after paying a minority of individuals, who were willing to sell their souls, we have managed to conclude there is no threat to our sanity, there is no such this as Hill Song Church and there is definitely no Steve Fielding.

The idea of such a deeply disturbing, horrible and morally bankrupt individual was merely created to con us into purchasing sanity credits.

There is no imminent threat to a safety and prosperity. We can continue on auto pilot in complete safety and conveniently avoiding having to change the way we live forever!

Long live picket fences and green lawns photographed in sepia!"

---End of quote---

 

We cannot, as a collection of nations, continue to shoal like confused fish on this issue. Someone / a nation needs to take the lead and I want this to be MY country. I want our nation to be able to lay claim to the most important modern legacy to humanity.

If this gets blocked in the senate on August 11 the legislation this will be a trigger for a double dissolution election and probably one of the most important political forks in the road for our country and the planet. I urge everyone to think bigger this year and use their god given intelligence and awareness of self to make the choice our planet and children (and maybe even we) need!

How we separate ourselves from the consequences of our actions! How we mitigate responsibility through an avid application of self denial! Most people would be aware who read this journal about my ongoing complex about eating meat and the moral/ethical questions involved. I'm not going to smack Obama for swatting a fly (see Peta for that logical end to dogmatism) but I can't help but feel the blood of the slaughter on my hands.

This became even more real last night when we had lobster for dinner. I would like to put a caveat out there - I have only eaten lobster once before last night and as a general rule steer clear of such unnecessary ostentatious consumption. It also makes me feel guilty when we know people on the other side of the planet have barely enough food to survive and such behaviour is analogous to Marie Antionette telling her hungry people "let them eat cake/ brioche."

However, on a purely practical level and back to my original point, having two live lobster in your friend's bath tab, awaiting the slaughter, makes the food on your plate all the more real and much less appealing! There is very little room for denial! Bathtub - hot pot - dinner plate; three easy steps! Drew, being a friendly and ethical host, felt the best way to depart the poor crustacea would be to put them in the freezer for 20 - 30 mins. This is meant to put the animals to sleep, humanely, prior to carving them up. Needless to say the the procedure did not go to plan and they were departed very much alive! Dinner was ok but the kitchen did smell like "lobster death"... it made me uneasy to say the least. I did thank the lobster for the sacrifice though!

I’ve always felt very connected to the world around me. I've always had a high degree of empathy for people around me. I can't help but extend this to the animal world. This connectedness has always interested me. Both my sister and I have had what you might call a six sense (without needing to go into details) and I've always felt that my responsibility extends well beyond the distance of an outstretched arm and what may be within reach of my finger tips.

Beginnings and endings are in the mind and are being broken down the more we try and observe them.

For example, in a book I'm currently reading, Finite and Infinite Gods by Ian Davidson, there is some interesting scientific material surrounding precognition (the act of knowing in advance) and psychokinesis (the act of affecting an outcome through mental intention). These are realms rarely discussed within wider conversation precisely because of their taboo nature! I'm sure upon reading those two words many of you reading this journal would have instantly jumped to your own conclusions before even finishing this sentence! However there is some very interesting and provocative scientific evidence garnered through rigorous repeated testing that suggests we are connected with the world on a psychological dimension and that living beings are connected to the world and other living beings in this way. 

There have been many pioneers in this area, however one of the first practitioners to put precognition and to an extent, psychokinesis, to rigorous experimental methods, was German Physicist Helmut Schmidt in the 1970's. Schmidt linked up a Geiger counter to measure the random decay of a radioactive isotope Strontium-90. Whenever a radioactive particle was omitted by the isotope the Geiger counter would then cause one of four lamps to turn on in another room.

A subject, in the same room, was required in advance, to indicate which light they felt would turn on. Schmidt found that different subjects had consistently different abilities to predict which of the four lights would turn on. High performs would perform well above chance levels (25% because there were 4 lights) achieving odds of 100,000 to 1. When subjects were required to gain precognition of an already recorded sequence registered by the Geiger Counter, stored on a magnetic strip and later played back, the respondents performed at odds above chance levels of 250,000 to 1!

In a truly creepy finding it was determined that respondents could affect what lights would turn on in both future time and in retrospect! Thus the implication that cognition now can affect already recorded events in retrosepct!

I know this sounds crazy but there have been over 74 different retests and further investigations by sceptical and interested scientists alike only further confirming there are systematic findings begging explanation.  Some even more advanced studies by Professor Robert Jahn in 1982 are worth reading.

Quantum physics parallels such findings. It has been determined, for instance, that electrons exist in two places simultaneously. Further in other experiments electrons alter upon the variable of observation! Electrons fired at a screen have both a collection of possibilities and singular outcomes depending on the perspective of the experimenter; that is outcomes in these experiments were contingent on mere point of observation of the electron! The suggestion that an electron will behave entirely differently upon point of observation endows it with the characteristics of a nervous young child retreating from the slightest glace of a stranger!

This is not science fiction! This is science fact and I find the possibilities fascinating! Do these findings explain the strange abilities of people like DanielDouglasHome 1883 - 1886, so renowned for his ability to manipulate objects with his mind that he gained an audience in front of Napoleon the third? Do these findings help explain the abilities of sainted people like St Jospeh of Copertino, born 1603, who was brought before the inquisition, after being accused of trying to emulate the Messiah? Or Teresa of Avila?

If one individual can gain precognition into a pattern of lights turning on and off and even influence mere outcomes through thought alone imagine the power of many minds all concentrating on the same thought simultaneously. 

Imagine the raw mental power of the protest movement in Iran! It brings a great poignancy to the famous words of Victor Hugo, recently reiterated by Mr Obama "There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come."

I have much more that I could write about today except that I must tend to the more mundane task of cooking dinner.

I would also like to tack on to the end of this journal entry a documentary that ties together themes of psychic connections, mysticism and owning up to the source of the food on your plate. It is called “Killers of Eden”. It played on ABC1 recently. Great documentary!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJQnTCseGPY

I haven't written in a while. My muse has been asleep but received a jolt today in the form of a series of text message from my dad that read;
 
" Dave is throwing out some shirts. Check them out when next over. Dad."

I replied that I felt this may not be appropriate as my brother is 100 kilos where I weigh in at roughly 78 kilos. I could essentially live in one of my brother's shirts. I shared these thoughts via text message with my father and got the following reply;
 
"They're medium & one is 'very' you so I think the fit & look will be fine."

The text came complete with the word 'very' in quotation marks. I almost fell out of my seat. My dad is an intelligent well educated bloke (with an emphasis on bloke). We talk about world politics and the values of humanity on the way home to my place in the car but never the finer points of 'very you' fashion items. He is nothing like the coffee shop metrosexual from Paddington that the text makes him sound like. My dad is a dead set legend and his text only endears me more to my heart. Moments when you break out in spontaneously laughter are easily the best experiences in life.

Speaking on the finer points of the human condition I think everyone should see the documentary available on You Tube called "Home" by Yen Arthus-Bertrand. This documentary is a beautiful elocution of the Human experience on planet earth, how our interactions have made our way of life possible and also how they have affected and continue to affect our Home (Planet Earth). It succeeds education and enlightening without being dogmatic or lecturing. I challenge anyone to watch this documentary and not venture into a supermarket the next day without an altered consciousness of some kind. 

Please follow the link attached and watch this documentary: http://www.youtube.com/user/homeproject?blend=2&ob=1e 

I find it amazing that even if some people watched the above link they would rationalise and digest the content in a way that does not alter their values or consciousness but in a way that incorporates, manipulates and bastardises it’s value, its meaning, according to what the given person may already know! Granted, not everyone can be my father, sending texts in his mid fifties, open minded about me being gay, everything new and our changing world, but some people amaze me in their small minded approach!

There is a book I'm half way through reading call "Choosing Eden" by Adrienne Langman and I must say that I have found the first set of chapters rather disappointing.

Anyone with half an intellect is familiar with the concept of Peak Oil. Anyone without a dividend in the form of oil shares or associated political interests the finite nature of oil supplies. Hence I found the first 50 pages preoccupied with the narrators shock about Peak Oil nauseatingly unnecessary yett delightfully revealing regarding their mindset.  

It becomes a slightly disturbing and humorous glimpse into how someone can take something so big, so meaningful, and so impactful and turn it into a microcosm of their own life.

It was like going to see Turendott and ending up with a flea circus instead. Prior to learning about Peak Oil we learn the narrator couldn't care less about where the goods consumed came from, world politics etc...so long as her retirement was secure she really couldn't care. The third and most disappointing aspect of her realisation was that the only course of appropriate action to secure HER future, not humanity's future, but HER future. I'm not up to the predictable part where she moves out of the city as the death of suburbia is imminent but I'm waiting with baited breath. All discussions aside about the importance of Peak Oil and the various debates around the subject and alternative energy sources  what a shit house realisation! For a moment she was forced to consider the BIGGER picture and come out of her bourgeois, cafe late shell, only to take this fate/god given, mind opening realisation and perform  some sick minded, gymnastic, back flip and make it about her own interest and how they can best ride out the storm that is Peak Oil! 

Despite how her lack of personal growth has both angered me & saddened me her mindset reveals a modern day entertaining black comedy.

It is by no means intended or self conscious but this makes it all the more golden.

Some of my memorable excerpts so far commence with the opening page!  "Larry and I had traded Florsheim wingtips and Manolo Blahnik sandals  for muddy steel-capped work boots. We had given up our brioche and cappuccino in fashionable Double Bay in favour of home made bread and jam." - This was on the first page! I
 
thought I had hit pay dirt because the first four pages make them seem like lifestyle queens. Unfortunately at the expense of my bemusement they are not a heterosexual couple (Damn!). How disappointing. They go about incomes and friends in "Mensa" among a smattering of other self gratifying references for a number of pages. We then come to page 24; "And what if everyone on the East Coast of Australia sees this report? What will that do to the price of Real Estate here and in the mountains where we would be safe? What will it do to the stock market, our savings? How could we get our money out of a bank if all the banks are under 100 meters of water?" - By this point I had realised that there was little to be gleaned from this book with regards to a rational execution or survival strategy come Peak Oil. I considered discontinuing navigation through this residue of a mental break down over the coming pages but my own perverse desire to examine the unfolding of a  pocket of human nature and this person's twisted mind was just something I could not pass up. 

I was glad to persevere with this page turner with rewards like Page 40; "From the perspective of someone running a home; just the loss of cling film to cover left-over food is a prospect which weakens the knees". So far this is the most quotable, T-shirt quote yet. I cannot fathom how this woman has laboured over 40 pages about Peak Oil and what this means to come to the devastating, "knee weakening", realisation she will hot have cling wrap. Does this woman know that 30,000 children die each day NOW from preventable disease and 5,000 people die a day because they have no access to clean water. 

This lady so far has stricken me with sadness. After so much time spent labouring on a potentially global phenomenon all she can think about is what's in it for me. This is the Achilles heel of the human race personified in a latte drinking suburbanite of a woman who sets up a hobby farm come bomb shelter not understanding that the metaphorical devastation of Peak Oil (assuming it is true) does not rain down with the force of TNT but with the strength of an atomic annihilation. 

This journal is long enough already so I will not labour the finer points of why Peak Oil will happen but doesn't have to have the effects Adrienne consumes her thoughts with except to say given the abundance of alternative energies available us today there is time to act for the greater benefit of humanity. It is safe to say, from an intelligent viewpoint,  that hobby farms aren't the answer and won't save you from the hungry masses who couldn't care about the Title Deed to your "Hobby Farm". 

Eat less meat, walk where you can, buy recycled toliet paper, purchase fair trade coffee if you own your own home get a solar power installation, get a rainwater tank to! The human race needs to make this work together. You cannot run away from everywhere!

 

Has Malcolm Turnbull received a basic education in fundamental economics? Does he truly believe that to run a deficit budget is indicative of bad economic management? Or does he merely spiel this doctrine because it is something his party, The Coalition, can no longer escape from? Has it become so engrained in the Australian Coalition culture from the years and years of cheap shots by Peter Costello took at Paul Keating about the "Recession we had to have" and the virtues of Fiscal restraint exercised by the Coalition Government? 

It is clear that the concept of a surplus become fundamentally yoked to the identity of the Coalition. The bonanza resulting from the resources boom filled tax coffers and the Coalition eagerly assumed full responsibility for this with political zeal. In reality the Surplus was more or less an artefact of the mining boom, the bedrock beneath our very feet, and its valuable minerals. John Howard and Peter Costello never turned water into wine, they never turned red desert dust into iron ore! It was not born of the Coalition, but they claimed the resulting Surpluses anyway, and made it the Coalition brand! It’s much like a spoilt child with privileged parents claiming to have worked hard for their brand new Merc when they turned 21! It was given to them on a platter.

Being a smart well educated, successful business person I'm sure Malcolm Turnbull understands the brand the Coalition has created for itself. I'm also sure he undertands basic economics and that an expansionary fiscal policy is required when the economy is contracting (budget deficit). I'm sure he understands that in this way the government can move to fill the void left by a retreating private sector and prop up spending in the domestic economy. I'm sure he understands that contracting private sector spending coupled with contracting government spending equals (budget surplus) results in an economy twice starved of coal of the engine of the economy.

Despite Malcolm Turnbull's private acknowledgement of the situation at hand, the greater issue of the brand, that has been created for the Coalition, looms to the fore like a ghost from the past.

 The Coalition has sold a very simple mantra to the Australian public for a decade - "We make surpluses, Labor makes deficits". They are now in an ideological strait jacket and denied themselves basic Fiscal Policy.  Even when it is obvious the time is nigh to borrow to stimulate the economy and run a deficit budget Malcolm Turnbull still clings to the idea a "small" surplus is possible as quoted from a recent article on news.com.au

I'm not surprised Malcolm Turnbull has avoided providing any budget details in how he might achieve this miraculous feat of a “small” Surplus against a decline in tax revenues of 210 billion dollars! You see, as we have already discussed the Coalition does not turn water into wine, nor the red dust of the Australian outback into Iron Ore! They do not create surpluses!

Budget Deficits are a standard fiscal tool used by governments around the world to stimulate economic growth. Europe currently runs a deficit at 70% of GDP, Japan runs a deficit of 140% of GPD, heaven only knows what the United States Deficit is now. When ours peaks in about 2013 it will only be 13.8% of GDP before it is repaid in about 2016. Tiny! Required! Imperative!

Fact: The spending the Labor government has undertaken in its stimulus packages, according to TREASURY reports, not Labour, but I repeat TREASURY, saved over 200,000 jobs and the whole stimulus package has not even been realised! Fact; The Coalition is still harping on about how Labor is getting us into debt without conceding that the experts in the Treasury Department have nothing but praise for the actions taken by Labor! The Coalition has been very quiet about what they would do differently and the silence is deafening!

The confusion in the Coalition about how to best concede the truth, the requirement, and the necessity of a budget deficit is plainly obvious. Just today, for example, the  "Shadow treasurer Joe Hockey said they would have delivered a deficit of $25 billion...Mr Turnbull said on another radio station that it was impossible to provide a figure" as reported on news.com.au They contradict each other in a state of identity crisis.

 I’m eagerly awaiting Malcolm Turnbull’s imitation of Christ.
 
I want to see this impossible surplus materialise in a way that supports Australian jobs and The Australian Economy. Because Malcolm Turnbull knows better! I’m sure the “small” surplus he promises under his budget is only said with a VERY SMALL amount of believable conviction!

I have been quite interested in News’ attempt to monetise some of its media content by proposing a user pays model. What I have found most fascinating is the number of articles being distributed across News owned media making a discussion point around these moves. They are obviously trying to warm their current traffic to the concept. I imagine this will be a hard sell. The articles are generally framed in the affirmative and support the notion that it is normal, reasonable and plain common sense to charge for online content in much the same way that one purchases a paper. I will soon announce plans to charge pay per view on my journal...just kidding guys.

My personal belief is that attempting to charge for online news content is fraught with trouble. You asset is your audience! The online environment is dominated by players that offer a majority of content for free because they understand this. Occasionally some sites will enable the user some basic access rights with a paid subscription service offering extra features (E.G: Live Journal). I’d imagine News would have some success if they did something similar with by charging for access to Confidential / gossip based / glossy material but would imagine large attrition rates if they moved to charge for basic access to the essential masthead material on their media websites.

This is simply flawed in my view because content is so readily available. Further, formalised news has depreciated in value relative to user generated content. A great example of this is Twitter. Here you can obtain the most up to date, to the minuet, specific news with an agility that big News companies can never compete with - and it is free... 

An article published on News.com by Jane Schultz quoting Robert Thompson, Editor of The Wall St Journal is rather scathing of some of the online competition. The opening line reads “COMPANIES that aggregate mainstream media content without paying a fee are the "parasites or tech tapeworms in the intestines of the internet" and will soon be challenged.” This sets the tone of an article which argues that Google and other “aggregators” of content trade of the “mistaken impression” that content is free.

 I can’t help but immediately react to such a sentiment and point out this is actually an accurate impression - it is free! I haven’t been sent any bills! No debt collectors have called asking for their fee! I think News will have a difficult time trying to sell a user pays for content concept and steer what is the largest modern day movement in the world,  the internet, to a pay per view model, when it is so clearly accelerating in the other direction.

 Robert Thompson is quoted toward the end of the article as saying "They (aggregators) are basically editorial echo chambers rather than centers of creation, and the cynicism they have about so-called traditional media is only matched by their opportunism in exploiting the quality of traditional media." Apart from sounding rather sour at Google’s astronomical success I think Mr Thompson’s observation is correct. They are echo chambers for information - if in such a statement you can also include the addition of filtering, refining and packaging information in a tailored way for the user. This is how money is made on the internet and will remain the case, especially when content is increasing at an exponential rate. It is the aggregators who, locate, mine and refine the rich mineral vein of the internet and manufacture it into something useable for the viewer. Aggregators also execute this without agenda or bias except to distract you for a moment at the associated advertising material down the right hand side of the screen in the form of a banner. This is how they make money! Without aggregators the internet would be a tangled unnavigateable wilderness.

 I also think that the connotations of the word “echo” that imply emptiness and hollowness belie Google’s main value proposition. It is one thing to produce content in the way Media companies do, it is quite another thing all together to target content with an acuity and relevance that Google has managed to do. The banner that appears along side the search results for your favorite pie recipe is not Jamie Oliver’s latest set of kitchen text books by accident people! To lambaste Google as a mere “echoer” of content is to either misunderstand the value proposition Google makes to the market place or deny it all together.

 With the resources at News Ltd’s disposal I image the correct strategy is to maintain and increase web traffic and become much smarter at the micro marketing that Google has mastered by bringing together consumers with relevant products. I think putting your head in the sand and trying to take the user pays model from print to online is like General Motors denying the electric engine its place in production. It is doomed to fail. The smaller object (mass and energy) will always yield to the bigger (mass and energy) and there is nothing bigger than the internet.

 I will now try and boost my employer’s web traffic with this link…

 www.australianit.news.com.au/story/0,,25295383-15306,00.html

Any excuse to dress up...this time it was the end of season Life Saving party down at North Bondi Life Saving Club.

My costume was a $14.95, last minute decision, from the Smart Dollar shop on Oxford St. It was Pirate outfit. The picture on the packet promised a sword...no such sword was included so I spent an additional $2 to compete the outfit by purchasing a plastic knife.

I got the costume home and upon putting the outfit on I realised additional promises had been broken. The shirt ended up revealing most of my mid section and my black pirate pants where made from an economy of lycra that stretched across my thighs. Despite the fact I didn't look like the Pirate promised on the front cover I felt I looked sexy. It was strange.

This was verified when I turned up to Drew's pre drinks / BBQ...Drew dubbed me Disco Pirate and Michael thought I looked cute. Other people thought I'd obviously had a mixed up and purchased a child's outfit. Others still thought it was all part of my continuing agenda in life to find an excuse to wear as little as possible.

We had a fun time but there were some draw backs to the evening. It was coldand their was a lack of man candy to perve on at the Life Saving Club. Last year there was so much more to see. Togas and loose garments falling off very fit manly bodies. This year it just wasn't as good. I still got to hang out with some of my old instructors from the club like Alex and Adam...and of course my bestie Drew Lambert whom went dressed as flasher, a simple, yet effective outfit, incorporating an overcoat and some swim wear.

If I get hold of some photos in Disco Pirate get-up I will share it with you all on LJ.

Peace out.

Michael has said he will swim with me on Monday evenings. I’m glad for the company but I don’t really want to expose the world to my ungraceful, hack-like, swimming style. This will make three of us at the pool on Monday, including Luke – a former state level competitor. Both Mike and Luke have a beautiful stroke! Mine is more functional…

Once I find something that works I very rarely try to improve on it unless I absolutely must! If my swimming style does the job as far as stamina and speed are concerned why change it? Necessity is the mother of invention and it is the dictum of my universe much of the time and I’m the first to concede this is very limiting. On Sunday Michael and I decided to go to his place after a lazy lunch to hang out and watch movies. Michael started laughing at me while I was bent over tying my shoes on the pavement. A few possibilities ran through my mind…I asked Michael what was so funny and he explained that the way I tie my shoe laces “was cute!” Apparently I tie my shoe laces in a very deliberate / juvenile way. I was aware of one other way you could tie laces. Michael informed me there were actually three ways! Who would have thought? Three ways! I figure once you know how to tie your laces what point is there in exerting energy with the other ways! The same logic applies to my swimming style and many things. I suppose I can be a little lazy and indifferent and probably should be more energised about the finer points of shoe lace tying in all matters of life!

About half an hour later we arrive at Michael’s place and I changed into a pair of very short (very, very short) boxer shorts that looked more like hot pants after my jeans got wet in the torrential rain. We watch Hedwig and The Angry Inch – A fantastic movie and then browsed the internet and web cam with some of his online friends. I set up a Man Hunt profile out of boredom and gave Michael my password. The profile reads something along the lines of “Please forward your resume and cover letter to (Mike’s username) in order for your application to be considered. Please note we are just friends and will not play together unless you resemble Mark Wahlberg…” We will see what eventuates into this further foray into an over exposed cyber world…

Sometimes you find the most unlikely people fighting the battle to improve themselves. I recognised a homeless gentleman (I assume he is homeless) from Oxford St at the pool last Tuesday night! He regularly asks for money and obviously makes enough for the $6 pool entry. I thought he would have other priorities in mind but who am I to judge? I cannot recall seeing him doing laps but he was stark naked, wet in the middle of the change room, drying himself with handfuls of toilet paper. He would disappear into the cubical, come back out with a huge handful of toilet paper, stand in front of the mirror, legs spread and dry himself from head to toe. He repeated this many times with special attention to every toe – I was surprised to find any toilet paper left in any of the stalls. Unlike most people who exercise some modesty in the change room his open, extraverted stance was deafening in what is very much a library type environment where talking is the exception. The only other people at the pool with this body language are looking for something…Monday night is the night apparently. I only ever want to swim. I’m so predictable.

I’m looking forward to the PJ/sleep over party being held next Saturday. I might wear Michael’s short shorts to this just for fun but also bring a change of clothes so I don’t end up like Bridget Jones, dressed as a prostitute, for the a themed party that never was...

Why is it every long weekend the world become a giant petri-dish?

I started out at my Friends place on Friday night thinking I had hey fever. I later had to retire to his bedroom for some rest after a number of bourbon shots – one of which I snorted out via my nose! This brings me to the second question worth asking; Why is it that a sleeping person is so irresistibly vulnerable, such that it might be worth taking photos of them looking awful, or even go as far to cut bits of the hair off with a Swiss army knife!? Why is it just as funny to pretend you’re asleep and then take your revenge by coming back with the same knife, cutting off even more of their hair, showing them only half of the damage you inflicted and then wrapping the rest of the hair in toilet paper and giving it to them as a surprise? Who knows…I thought it was funny. I’m apparently awaiting my pay back… 

What better way to cure a cold by getting up the following day and going on a fat filled boozy lunch, brunch, afternoon tea & dinner meander through Kings Cross!? $100 dollars later you think my cold would have been cured! Apparently midday drunkenness is no cure! By the following afternoon I was pretty much recovered after an electric 1km in the pool. 

I finished my weekend at the bar at about 2am on Sunday. When I knocked off a really handsome guy at the bar bought me a shot – a wet pussy to be exact! I’m sure he was hitting on me and didn’t have wet pussy shots on his mind. I told him he was very attractive. He apparently had “No idea I was gay and wouldn’t ever think it” – yeah right! The hazy and uneasy mist of sexual persuasions in my bar are a contrast to the in-your-face sexuality of Oxford St. I‘ve always been one to call a spade a spade – tell it how it is. Some people are so guarded and secretive. This man was hot, sold chocolate for a job, which made him hotter, I wanted to get it on! Simple! Anyway after making no secret of where I stood on the matter he absconded a while later after some idle banter.  I then became reacquainted with the delightful French girl from last weekend who wanted to demonstrate a French kiss - French style. After having 4 Contreau shots on ice this didn’t sound like such a bad idea! I gave her what she wanted and made clear that my penchant for testosterone would make anything more French untenable. I’m sure I will meet her again. She has such an air of European style and is so pretty…I find making friends with the ladies so easy. 

After a weekend of sleepless nights at the bar and a snotty nose I find I’m easily riled up. I must say that the most annoying annoyance to come across the office desk of my frontal lobes today is the insistence by the New York Mayor (correct me if I’m wrong) that the new building on the WTC sight in New York be named “Freedom Tower”. Does this not smack of the stubborn, patriotic blindness that has been the source of such appalling public relations the United States has experienced? 

The word “Freedom” has been used in so many self-righteous, justification speeches that it’s meaning and emotional value has been completely muddied.

 “Freedom” no longer means “By the people, for the people, of the people…etc.” It implies “I’m right and always will be” and “You are wrong and always have been.” I can think of a dozen more appropriate names that would be more fitting to a new world order where everyone tries to comprehend their role / responsibility in creating the world that is. Wouldn’t a better name be “Reconciliation Tower” or “Peace Tower”? I’m not even a radical from the Middle East and I find the name “Freedom Tower” offensive in its simple, reductionist overtones. It is the manifestation of the skewed view the U.S has regarding the rest of the world! Little kids always need to be right, teenagers are obstinent, adults should know better!

On the subject of learning lessons why does the US government continue to bail out GM? They let a whole decade pass them and Toyota who steamed ahead with eco friendly designs and forward thinking. They continued with the general trend of “fuck you. We will make it and you will consume it” and continued creating fuel guzzling vehicles. Why subsidise such an EPIC FAILURE?

The US government should let them fail, buy their assets, change the production lines, through whatever investment is required, to create an eco friendly vehicle and re-employ all the workers in a state run enterprise. GM is such an embarrassment to the basic principles of the free market economy and it humours me the Americans even tolerate such a running joke on their bible of ”How To” as far as production is concerned…

Adam Smith's invisible hand is allocating resources as efficiently as GM model vehicle!

At the very least GM should be made into one of those EPIC FAIL jokes that circle the internet. Even that cat, trapped in the bird cage, with the door closed and the canary sitting a-top, triumphant, in an air of victory, is not as big an EPIC FAIL as GM!

I went to the gym this morning. Given that Fitness First could probably arrange a census of the entire Australian population I was quite surprised at the availability of equipment! I could actually use the cable machine! It wasn’t taken!

My good morning went a little down hill at a Café that I’ve been meaning to try out for some time. I enter and discover a place that has a rustic appeal and time worn charm. It felt a bit like Cheers – the TV show. There was an older lady who told it how it was, an Italian guy who cared less for being there but chatted with regulars like the place was in a tiny country town. There were also a few obedient people in the kitchen he barked orders at.  I was enjoying this non self conscious, organic, non- commercialised space. It wasn't trying to be anything - It was honest! I thought, "I like this...I could do this again". This changed once my food came out...

It was brought out by someone who looked like they had been out clubbing all night and needed a shower. He gave me an apologetic look as he handed me my food and walked back into the kitchen...

I began eating only to find a hair in my mushrooms! Given I was absolutely ravenous, I was revolted for approximately 5 seconds, pulled the hair out and continued eating. 4 hours later and I haven’t got any signs of food poisoning! Score! I might go back actually. Why? Despite the air of comedy about the place it had something going for it.

Might only get a coffee though…

Ohhh…I have to finish this entry with the delightful private joke I had today...

I would like to mention in advance I have one of the best most amazing bosses in the world but his innocent slip up in a memo, coupled with an email, is just too good not to share. For the purpose of privacy and protecting internal work communications (which I'm not in the practice of sharing) I have replaced sensitive information with capital letters. You still get the gist...

The first email said:

"Hey Nick,
Come down and get some hot x buns!"

The memo that he later sent said:
 
"Nick will be used as a versatile asset within DIVISION Z and will help the Y or X"...

The first email was not bad in itself but I have always considered myself "versatile" and know hot buns when I see them!

Mr Boss, If you read this I know you will find it funny. I didn't say anything at the time. I know some of my gay colleagues will though!

“Are you ok? You look pale...” – seriously, why commence your conversation with something like that?

Upon meeting, people sift through the small talk conversations in their head. Topics are generally limited to the weather and ones wellness / disposition. Upon reflection I find this utterly bizarre because there is nothing that is more obvious than the weather or more annoying than pointing out you look like crap!

I look a little tired because the weekend has been filled full of sleep deprivation. Last night I did my first Sunday shift at the bar in a long time after having worked all Friday (day and night) and been out all Saturday night. Needless to say I finished at 2:00am – 2 hours later than I expected. I had some good company in Angus, my friend from Brisbane. I had arranged to meet in anticipation of knocking off at 12 midnight. Instead Angus had the privilege of  supervising the door to the smoking deck and the alternative entrance once it had closed for the evening. These are both awfully boring jobs but required due to Licensing Laws.

We had some interesting company though. There was the lady who bought me a shot assuming this might get her into my pants…or Angus’ it seems. When Angus later explained he was gay in order to set things straight she later retorted to me that “ if another man tells me he is gay, or straight, I will hit him”. She then started doing this weird dance where she slapped Angus’ legs. I’m glad it wasn’t me. It looked incredibly annoying.

Later, when we moved from the smoking door to the alternate entrance strange person number two showed up. This guy just walked up and stood in front of the table. He glared at both of us. I explained that “nobody could exit by this door and that the exit was at the other end of the bar”. I got no reaction. He pointed to the toilets. I said "yes, that would be the toilets" and again offered the option of moving across the other side of the bar to the exit. I stood up and imposed myself in his personal space in the hope he would move given he was already in ours. He said he would “stand here with you guys”. So I sat down and he just stood there in complete silence. To my relief he shuffles around the table closer to Angus and not me. We tried speaking to him and he could literally not string a sentence together, he said something about “Palaeolithic food” and added nothing further explaining what this meant. His vacant expression and his choice of words (or lack of) led me to contact security just in case he was affected by alcohol (everyone at our establishment takes their RSA very seriously...). In any case he didn’t seem like your standard intoxicated person, he wasn’t uncoordinated or slurring his words he just came across being incredibly dim witted! His very attractive friends apologised for his behaviour.

The romances of the evening were not limited to crazy leg slapping lady! Earlier I received a phone number scrawled on the back of a small crumpled up piece of paper from a lady respresentin' for her gay friend. It was very much in the style of a teenager writting to their high school love crush in double English...it was even witten in bright pink!  I also had a French girl attempt to give me a French Kiss and a number of other fine young ladies through hints as subtle as bricks, even with Angus right next to me.

It is amazing how many people can’t muster together some basic analytical skills and piece together a confluence of factors in a given situation that’s scream HOMOSEXUAL!

Life Saving on Sunday afternoon was a demonstration of just how blatant you need to be to be correctly identified as a friend of Dorothy. The gays of Patrol 13 were all huddled up like hens in a chicken coop at the Southern Outpost. I sat on the narrow end of the board, the nose pointing east, out over the water. Michael sat directly behind me with legs either side of my waist. I had my hands either side giving Michael’s feet an exfoliation treatment in the sand…the scene is set.

A cute guy in front of our group comes up and say in a friendly, yet direct way says “Are you guys all flamers?” I just said “yes”. He said “no way”! I said “yes, we are”. I then proceeded to point with my finger of incrimination around the circle and said “Gay”, “Gay”, “Gay”, “Gay” “Ohhhh & Gay” … and over there I waved my hand in a very general and somewhat dismissive fashion and said “All Gay”. Drew, our patrol captain, sensing the electricity in the air (having the publicist’s finely tuned ear) came over and confirmed the fact of the matter, explaining that “this is the gayest patrol in the world”. 

It took a lot of convincing. I thought it was pretty obvious!

What straight man exfoliates his friend’s feet in the sand? : P
 

It less troubles me these days and more amuses me.

It’s all part of the divine comedy unfolding before us.

Why is it that those most unsuitable, for what ever reason, attract us the most?

I refused to some time ago to replay the farcical and repetitive dialogue over in my head that tries to assess each attractive young man I meet on the prospect of something more substantial than a fling or a pash. I just choose to see people now as independent people that will come and go in my life much like the breeze...and it is a lovely breeze...

There were 3 people in 2008 and early 2009 that had me, for a brief time, questioning my commitment to my no relationship philosophy. They had me thinking "Maybe I can feel this way" or "He seems normal".

Fruitfully they all turned out to be completely inappropriate.

One was emotionally unprepared for a relationship and we dated briefly. I never thought he would last the distance and he didn’t. He is a great guy though. The second was a dream boat, a catch in every way but lives overseas and honestly far too charismatic for his own good (or most probably mine) but seems otherwise very nice. The last one just seems emotionally detached…that sounds cruel but that’s how I read the situation. It would probably be more fair to describe the person as aloof and private.  

The other 3 people in 2008 (early 2009) that I had EVERY opportunity to date but haven’t or didn’t frustrate me even more! Every one of these people were intelligent, interesting attractive and attentive and I just couldn’t find myself draw to them in the same magnetic way as above. I feel that my decision to never commit to these people in a formal way and always be open about what I could offer was the right choice. I’m not someone to commit in the short term just to have an accessory to hang off my arm. I find that mode of dating really fake and inconsiderate to the other party involved. You have to feel it right from your stomach, your gut, it’s not a decision, it’s a feeling!

There's a big difference between the comfort of a really nice hotel and that feeling of being HOME!
 
I have only had the feeling of being home with one person in the past. It could have been with more people I suppose but for my consistently inappropriate fixations. It would have been funny to end that sentence with "it could have been with more people...but there want enough room in the bed". Therefore I thought I would humour you before I continue below... 

I believe because I was honest and open with all these people that I now have 3 good friends. The ongoing relationships are really interesting because they are complex and there are emotions involved but we interact with respect, as equals and as adults.

I can’t write off the prospect of one day being blown away by prince charming but I understand that the common denominator in all my life experience is ME. If I were to have a relationship I need to work from the inside out and work out why I’m always biased to develop emotional attachments to emotionally unavailable prince "there-is-a-lot-left-to be-desireds".

I must also concede that some of my friend’s most recent experiences in relationships strip off the silver lining around a big fat grey cloud! And this could is a heffer! Believe me. It wants to drown you in a giant puddle of stress, sadness and anxiety!

History repeats itself in these strange algorithms that lead me to the same conclusion. Whenever I have that eye contact, that feeling, that stops me in my tracks I know "you are trouble waiting to happen". 

But we can still make out...for a few hours...

Every healthy person has a sense of agency over their world. They have an understanding that their actions yield outcomes and that they are in control. Without looking to debate this fundamental premise to living a positive life with a “Can Do” attitude I would like to draw attention To Monday’s black out!

Someone should have reminded Energy Australia (Or who ever the concerned party might be) that April Fool’s Day is in April, the first to be specific, all jokes and pranks are to be pulled before 12:00 noon – no later.

Instead we loose our power to the office, the building and most of the city at 5:00ish in the afternoon. I did not find losing my Excel Spreadsheet detailing Billing Account Migrations very amusing…try another funny.

What made the experience interesting was the overall sense of urgency in the air immediately after the blackout. Everyone had been thrown a curve ball and now had to cope with something completely outside their daily routine. Was it solar flare? A terrorist attack perhaps (as my friend on the phone exclaimed)? I put my bets down on Solar Flare ;) At least that would be interesting! I stayed in the office for almost an hour waiting for the lights to come on making idle chatter with other people on level four divorced from their beloved computer screens. I then figured the better part of my workaholic evening had evaporated and decided to walk home and just observe…

I saw a policeman almost get run over while directing traffic. Lights were not working at intersections, shops couldn’t cook their food, registers in shops were not registering…it was just intriguing how people were at such a loss at what to do with this rude interjection in their well laid, well trodden path of their daily lives!

I got home and my flat mates were at a loss. Their friend the TV was not working. It was Desperate Housewives night! Will and Grace would be on later! We scrapped together the 4 candles in the house and a lighter. In typical fastidious style my flat mate Ben prepared them in a row on the kitchen bench, their bases stuck into cups by heating one end up, lined up like toy soldiers, something of order to make everything ok…Ben loves order. I have to admit it is rather pleasant compared to the chaos of my room! Just as he finished the lights came back on and it was straight to the couch!

People in general, myself included gravitate toward the routines they know like moths to a flame. I’m sure the same story was repeated across Sydney hundreds of thousands of times over and seismographs everywhere would have measured the collective thud of so many backsides hitting the sofa…There is a mental laziness in routine. Real choices are made outside repeat behaviours…Further I would say doing what you have done and already know is much like water following the path of least resistance that creates a river.

I want to emphasise that Ben is highly intelligent; a great deal more so than myself! Even the brightest minds are ready to follow their routines and what they know. How many REAL choices do we make each day?

Fuck, I’m sounding like Carrie Bradshaw…I said I wouldn’t do that!

I'm turning 27 this year and I enjoy many aspects of my life but I can't say I have many goals etc... Not much direction. I guess this makes daily activities all the more mundane because they never amount to anything except the completion of a day, a week etc...

I have decided to create myself some mini goals to create some purpose.

To start the ball rolling. I WILL learn to drive and WILL commence this from March. Yes, I'm turning 27 and I can't drive. Believe me all the premiums in the country will go up when I get behind the wheel of a car.

However, learning to drive is just a medium term goal. Where is my long term goal? My passion? I would like to confirm that I enjoy my job and mastery of its various facets (just in case someone from work reads my Journal). The people I work with are amazing. My direct manager supports me in my role 100% I'm probably one of the most proficient users of our systems in the business. It’s just not my passion. 

It’s ok to live day-to-day for a time but I don't want to regret my youth and there really isn't that much left. I think I live without purpose because this makes failure impossible. I have to confess that I'm afraid of failure. If I'm asked to complete something or obligated in such a way that commencing the task is unavoidable then failure is a shared burden - partly on my shoulders but also on those / that that have committed me to action. If I CHOOSE a direction / course and then I fail there is nobody I can blame except myself. I have so little faith in my own action at times. Why? When I commence something I find 99% of the time that I excel and often outperform others around me. Before I start however I sap myself of strength worrying about what others will think about my performance or that I'm just not good enough, that I won't make the grade...

I wonder where all these self defeating loops in my psyche come from? Why is it I can't get up and live spontaneously and let go of this safe and predictable bubble I have engorged myself in?

I got on the phone the other day and booked an open ended 6 month Greyhound buss ticket that I can use down the East Coast of Australia. I intend to use it over the course of two weeks and just stop at random places down the coast. This is so out of character for me. These are the things I need to do  to break these "Loops".
 
I have done other things in my life like get a Personal Trainer and become a Surf Life Saver. The later of which still challenges me at times. I don't enjoy swims out into the bay. The sharks! The unknown! This is despite the fact I'm an excellent swimmer. I force these into my day to force out the idea that "I can't!”

My late Grandfather (bless him) always said there is no such thing as "Can't". The very deepest part of me is aware of this but my heart is afraid and my mind is trained so well to lock out possibility and lock in certainty!

I want to be able to look at the world like my friend Michael. He seems to live emancipated from the concerns I have. He describes himself as a Spontaneous Idealist. Nothing is ever good enough for him. But isn't this how one should live? Should anyone stop until they have the whole world??? They of course will never reach their goal but will look back on the fruit of their life with the benefit of perspective and be witness to how much they have achieved.

I can't help but feel I will finally see the cage I built for myself - the zoo like enclosure where I knew my feeding time and the passage of the day...am I the only one concerned with becoming mundane?

I'm scared to take chances but I'm scared I'm missing so many opportunities.

Let me see possibility. Let me have faith in action.

I'm no longer a vegetarian.

It's just too hard! Especially with my active lifestyle and  when I'm trying to put on weight.

When I die and face my Karma and answer for my the fruit of actions I don't think the excuse "I was trying to gain weight" (purely for vanity purposes) will wash well. 

I'm not Buddhist but do feel compelled by the general principles involved. I feel at odds with myself. As a human I have been given the gift of empathy yet must exist within the limits of biology. This heightened level of awareness should be matched with corresponding actions. I'm aware by eating meat I cause pain and suffering. However only after eating meat for 2 -3 weeks I have so much more energy!

I have also put on muscle and weight without any change to my workout as well.

The only balance I have been able to strike in this regard is saying "thankyou" each time I eat meat for the sacrifice that has been made and acknowledge quietly my impact on the world.

Is this strange? I think it is important to be thankful.